Wow. I've been thinking of what to write to you all, because I'm so uncharacteristically pessimistic this week. This morning I was looking over the blogs I follow of kids who have spina bifida. Several of them were written by moms like me who are struggling with tough choices we have to make for our kids. I found incredible strength in their confessions as they face challenging situations.
Check out : http://carlivia.blogspot.com/2009/08/late-night-confessions.html: Pam talks about struggling with her youngest daughter's health issues. Kenzie's mom is feeling helpless as her daughter struggles with post-op pain. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kenzieochoa
http://kahri.blogspot.com (July 31st): Kahri writes about her life as like standing in the ocean, feeling battered. "There is time between each wave where I start to feel like everything is handle-able and then another wave crashes down. Because I am keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus, up above, I have kept my head out of the water. I am able to breathe. And go on. But I am tired of this constant battering. I know the Truth. I know the Way and I see the Light. It just seems a little bleary since I keep having to wipe ocean water out of my eyes. So I lift my arms once again, praise Him and pray for the tide to go out. . . or a surfboard."
I don't know if I feel "battered' at this point, but definitely bounced around a bit. Part of me wants to grab Sumana and run in the OTHER direction. Because of my crazy life, God has to speak to me in the middle of the night to get my attention. He did this last week with the mini-van decision. It happened again last night. (Psalm 16:7 - even at night your Spirit instructs me). I felt the Lord saying that He may ask even more of me thru Sumana's surgery. That was rather disturbing. It's one thing to deal with my 'own' life, another to have to watch a young child suffer.
Don't get me wrong; my faith is not shaken. But, I find myself struggling to keep focused on the fact that God has a perfect plan already laid out for our family. I struggle because I know that 'perfect plan' may not look like MY perfect plan. (In fact, I'm sure it won't). I guess I'm bracing myself for a big, crashing wave. At least our family is not alone, we have the tremendous support and prayers of friends and family AND, even more our loving Savior is standing beside us in the ocean, ready to carry us thru the next big wave. Sumana's surgery is August 27th.